In search of a reason

I tried to nap with Changunnie and failed. The one thing that bothers me is why am I going to work each morning?

My job was what I dreamed of as a kid; I look at a situation and I find a solution. Then, I move on to the next problem. Somehow, it's not quite the same now.

I am not going to claim I am innocent but I do not participate in office politics simply because I don't think I am up there in terms of seniority (read title and connection, not experience) and I am not as political savvy as the others. The fact that I still get angry says how immature I am in the world of office politics. If I know the odds is not on my side no matter how I look at it, I don't touch it.

Since fourth quarter last year, I have been an unwilling participant in order to protect myself and people I care in the team (which I failed) but it gets to a point where I feel like walking out. The people I have to deal with are known as dodo birds (and there is a whole clan of them!) and some are aptly named after characters in children programmes. Talking to them exhausts me because my mouth has to move faster than my brain. I leave work every day without a sense of satisfaction that I used to have. I was told by the senior coverage person that we got the commitment of a client for a transaction that I pitched (which came out as my attempt to keep a meeting going instead of wrapping up after five minutes from introduction). It was supposed to be a good thing as the client is new and big and for a long time, we could not really get them bank with us. Do I feel happy? Not really. A number of people are already making noises because they think it should have been their deal.....

If it's not because of the mortgage, I don't think I can wake up in the morning to go to work but I need a stronger reason than that. I should be grateful that I still have a job when the unemployment figure is rising every day but I cannot.